its been an intense couple of days.
Dr. May wants me to journal every day but the page kept staring at me yesterday and… nothing.
I dont even know where to start with this one.
Meelas in Cahaya.
Kenji still doesnt seem to want me around, i think we might be making progress though. He texted me earlier. Something silly but had nothing else to say after my return text.
He did come with me to meet Meela and the girls.
bc Meela is in Cahaya.
She didn’t tell me first. I mean, she doesnt have to. She doesnt owe me that.
Ive been facetiming the girls with Miles. They barely know whats going on. Akello has been saying “dada” on calls but sometimes I cant tell if shes referring to me or Miles.
That makes my stomach turn but its nice to see them.
Its scary to think about the dynamic of our family changing but i think… i know its inevitable.
I went to therapy yesterday. I think I needed it.
I went over to Cafe Kayu and was so angry. I surprised myself. There was a guy terrible on the piano. I even tried giving him pointers but there was no use. Why play in public when youre that bad?
I lashed out on him.
I wanted him to make better choices, make better decisions. Thats all that was going through my mind before I shoved him off the bench.
Its not like me to be violent.
Its not like me…
its not me.
I have no idea who I am.
Being at home feels like ive created a bigger gap in my life. Like being here is awakening pieces of me that I left here. Pieces that Meela hasnt been apart of.
It makes it feel like I already cant connect to her because ive made such bad decisions but now theres even more of a gap to close.
I think Dr. May thinks im doing worse.
Can things be getting worse?
I ran into Meela near the resort.
I hadnt seen her since the day she asked for a divorce. I only heard her voice for the first time the day before. It was cordial and it was short. She said I should stop by to see the girls.
Just being near her hurt.
Id always been obsessed with her happiness.
She was like a magnet when I met her. I dont know what it was… just a vibe she had. It seemed to quiet things.
I wanted her to like it here.
At first I wanted her to stay. End of summer was such a threat that year and I remember finding out about her and Jasper and part of me knew my anger was coming from her leaving.
I needed more time.
I knew we were real. I knew it was early and we were just casual but instead of telling her that I called her disloyal.
I thought she was in the moment… not even because of Jasper… bc she was ok with moving on and I wasn’t.
I was stupid.
I was angry for so long. My family didnt understand it. Tourists come and go. Tourists ive spent plenty of time with.
She was different.
She made me different.
I wanted to follow her. I dont think she would have objected had I not blown up.
Shed told me so many stories. Shed lived so much life in so many different places. Her future was unwritten and it didnt bother her.
She had a fearless determination that felt contagious.
I both loved and resented her for it.
I was inspired by it, I wanted to consume it but I knew I wasnt enough to keep her in Cahaya.
I later realized no one could ever make her want anything.
I was later flattered by that but also insecure about it.
Did I convince her to live this life we had…
It was all I ever wanted.
Was she still choosing me or had I persuaded her?
I shouldve never let the thoughts into my head. It was a stupid game to play…
Would she love me if I did embarrassing stand up.
Would she still want a life with me if I was less about family and a little more about career…
Would she still love me if I didnt want to be apart of the business she started.
There was no reason to test her.
She chose me everytime.
It was cruel and I was holding on to secret guilt for a secret test that no one even knew about but me.
Kenji came with me to see her and the girls.
He was amazing with them. He was amazing with her.
I had so many fights with him that summer on the island. Fights after I introduced her. Fights bc I was spending less time at work and more time with her. Fights about our neighbors seeing me with a tourist around town.
But there they were…
At the least family but clearly something more.. friends probably.
Hopefully.
I know Dr. May would say im projecting.
I did this horrible thing now I assume everyone else is capable of it.
I just dont know the depths of Kenji’s anger.
But Meela cant be flattered into a decision. Ive learned that lesson a thousand times.
I shouldve trusted what I knew about her.
