Dad noticed I wasn’t around much yesterday.
I knew he would. I just didn’t feel like sitting around the house pretending everything was normal. I had things to do anyway.
He asked me to make more of an effort with Drake. Said he wanted him to feel welcome. He’s worried that if things are uncomfortable, Drake will leave again.
Let him leave.
Not that Dad wants him here. Of course he does. That’s his son.
It’s that he’s scared.
I know that look. I watched him carry it around for years.
Every time the phone rang, he’d practically jump out of his chair. Every time someone came to the door, he’d look up. He’d ask if we’d heard anything. If maybe Drake had called while he was out.
Sometimes he’d pretend he wasn’t asking.
And the letters. God, the letters.
I don’t think Drake has any idea how many times Dad checked for something that never came.
Eventually, he stopped asking so often. I thought that meant he was getting better.
Now I’m not so sure.
Fuck this guy.
Dad arranged dinner tonight. All of us together.
I went. I was polite. I asked Drake about his job. I answered his questions. I don’t know what more everyone expects.
He kept trying to talk to me. Kept apologizing.
I’m sorry, Kenji.
I’m sorry I left.
I’m sorry I hurt everyone.
Fine. You’re sorry.
For what, exactly?
He hasn’t asked me what happened after he left. Not really. He hasn’t asked what Dad went through. What Akiko went through. What I went through.
He just keeps apologizing like he’s trying to find the right combination of words that’ll make everything disappear.
I told Dad that afterward.
He said Drake knows he made a mistake. That he’s trying. That we should be grateful he’s home and give him another chance.
I asked him how I’m supposed to forgive someone who doesn’t even understand what he’s asking forgiveness for.
Dad got quiet.
I shouldn’t have said it like that.
He looked so tired. And for a second, I saw that same hurt in his eyes again.
I hate that I put it there.
Later while Drake was out. Dad asked again… Try, Kenji.
I snapped. I sent drake a photo of a goofy cat.
See? All is forgiven.
I know what he was doing. He didn’t want us to go to bed upset with each other.
I went back downstairs and apologized.
Dad hugged me and told me he understood.
That somehow made me feel worse.
I told him I’d try harder with Drake.
And I will.
Not because Drake deserves it.
Because Dad does.
I just wish somebody would ask me if I’m okay with any of this.
I don’t know. Maybe tomorrow will be easier.
I just can’t let Drake consume me anymore.
He’s not my life. I have one to get back to.
He might be fine just walking away from his… I’m not.
I wonder how his wife feels about him running home to Cahaya.
